Intro to Diary of a Garbage Man

Diary of A Garbage Man – Intro

I have been a garbage man all my life. Lots of people, ok a few people, have told me I should write about my job and life because it seems interesting. If your favorite movie of all time is Men at Work you might like my stories. If you like the tv show The Sopranos you might like my stories. If you wonder what happens in town between 2 am and when you wake up you might like my stories. If you think the stuff you see at the dump is cool you will definitely like my stories. If you wonder what happens to your trash after you put it in your can you will like my stories. If you want to know what people really eat and how much they really drink I can tell you. If you wonder if anyone every eats things out of your trash, you will want to read on.

You will not want to read my stories if you dislike rats, maggots, poopy diapers, cat litter, or used feminine hygiene products. By the way ladies we have a sewage system that can handle you flushing those things. We don’t live in Mexico. And if you don’t flush them they should be double or triple wrapped in t.p. and sealed in a zip lock bag before you throw them out. And if that seems excessive just remember that dogs, bears, and other animals have a nose that is 1000’s of times more sensitive than a humans. Think of it like this, if your sense of smell is the size of a postage stamp a dog’s sense of smell is the size of a football field. This means they can smell that old chicken bone through your garbage can and inside the hefty bag. Make sure you have that lid on tight and maybe put a bungee strap over it also.

I have a special set of skills that I have learned from years of picking up trash. I can tell if a garbage can is heavy or light just by looking at it from down the street. I can tell if people are at home or on vacation just by driving past their house. I can tell you when they have a new baby, because they will have twice as much trash as they did before. I can tell you when they are getting ready to send a kid off to college because they throw out toys and books from Dr. Seuss to the driving test manual. I can tell when they are on a new diet and when they had a party. I can also tell when they are remodeling their house. This usually means they are getting ready to sell their house. I don’t understand why most people live in their crappy house for years and then fix it up just to sell it, but people do it all the time.

Mostly I have learned to be a student of human nature through years of observing perfect strangers habits and activities. I don’t know if I have put all this knowledge to very good use but I have tried. I know the companies that made pet rocks, snuggies, and chi-a-pets made a lot of money and all of those things ended up in the trash a few weeks after Christmas. If I’m just patient any material item I have every wanted will end up in the trash and I will get it for free. So just like that gold fish, huge stuffed bear, and etched glass Bon Jovi mirror from the fair I will try and entertain you for a few minutes knowing that even if I’m the must have thing right now eventually I will end up in the round file.