Friday, May 29, 2015

Adult Accidents



Dairy of a Garbage Man – Adult Accidents

One of the scariest news stories that I ever saw was when a mail man got fired and arrested for going to the bathroom in someones bushes. I didn't hear the entire news story just that headline. I thought to myself I'm going to jail. I pee in peoples yards and driveways every day. When I'm out on my garbage route for six or eight hours at a time it isn't very convenient to always find a public restroom or other indoor place to relive yourself. When you do the same route all the time it is pretty easy to find secluded places that you can go. There is still an element of danger that a random jogger could come buy or kids could be playing out in the forest but for the most part it works out. When your driving to random places or just filling in for someone it's harder to identify these places and be safe. Sometimes this along with questionable dietary choices leads to accidents.

My worst and most epic adult accident story starts on a pleasant summers day. I'm writing this story in the first person to protect the identity of the individual who told me their story. I was driving up and down the coast on highway 101 delivering drop boxes. I happened to get a gift early in the week from a customer that was an entire sleeve of pepperoni sticks. I would guess about five pounds or so of pepperoni. I got hungry so I started eating pepperoni and before I knew it I had eaten about ten sticks. This made me thirsty so I stopped at a convenience store and got a super tanker size cup of soda to wash it down with. With my big gulp of soda I mixed in a few more pepperoni sticks. I'm not sure if it was the combination of Pepsi and pepperoni sticks or if the meat had gone bad from sitting in my truck for too long but soon after my soda was gone my stomach started to make all types of unholy sounds. The gurgles and growls intensified as I traveled north away from my home toilet bowl. The sounds continued and the slur of meat snack and soda swiftly traveled into my intestines.

I could tell early on that this was going to be an unpleasant evacuation from my system. I knew I didn't have much time but I also didn't have any place close by that I could stop and relieve myself. My mind was racing and I was triangulating positions and going through my mental Rolodex of who I knew or worked in the area that I could trust enough to allow me to destroy their bathroom. I couldn't come up with anything. I was alone and on the road and the road was no place to be. I couldn't hold it in any longer and it happened. All I could do was sit up a little bit in my seat so that I didn't have to wallow in my own filth. After a few minutes I pulled into a state park and b lined it for the restroom. When I entered the restroom I felt relieved but soon realized I didn't need a restroom any more what I really needed was a shower and clean clothes. I went into the stall and accessed the damage. My underwear looked like a Japanese flag painted in brown instead of red and with a lot more texture. I scrapped things off and cleaned myself the best I could. Then I got dressed minus my brown Japanese flag underwear. I took those to the sink and started scrubbing. I had been alone in the bathroom up to this point but then someone came in. I tried to hide what I was doing because it was obviously embarrassing and gross. I shoulder shrugged and half turned as best I could as the other guy moved in and out of the bathroom. Luckily there were two sinks. When the fruit of the looms were as clean as I could get them I went back to the truck and as I drove back down the highway I held my underwear out the window so they would dry. Much like one of the little sports flags that people set out on their window to show they are a Beaver or Duck fan while driving down I-5 to a game. It looked like I was rooting for the Browns that day.


This type of thing happens at some point to every truck or route driver I would guess. Most people choose to keep these stories to themselves but I hope by sharing this story that if you see someone relieving themselves along side the road or in the bushes you choose to feel empathy for them and NOT call the police. I'm sure if that had any choice they would find a restroom and they are probably wishing they hadn't eaten all those pepperoni sticks.



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