Adult Accidents

Dairy of a Garbage Man – Adult Accidents

One of the scariest news stories that I ever saw was when a mail man got fired and arrested for going to the bathroom in someones bushes. I didn't hear the entire news story just that headline. I thought to myself I'm going to jail. I pee in peoples yards and driveways every day. When I'm out on my garbage route for six or eight hours at a time it isn't very convenient to always find a public restroom or other indoor place to relive yourself. When you do the same route all the time it is pretty easy to find secluded places that you can go. There is still an element of danger that a random jogger could come buy or kids could be playing out in the forest but for the most part it works out. When your driving to random places or just filling in for someone it's harder to identify these places and be safe. Sometimes this along with questionable dietary choices leads to accidents.

My worst and most epic adult accident story starts on a pleasant summers day. I'm writing this story in the first person to protect the identity of the individual who told me their story. I was driving up and down the coast on highway 101 delivering drop boxes. I happened to get a gift early in the week from a customer that was an entire sleeve of pepperoni sticks. I would guess about five pounds or so of pepperoni. I got hungry so I started eating pepperoni and before I knew it I had eaten about ten sticks. This made me thirsty so I stopped at a convenience store and got a super tanker size cup of soda to wash it down with. With my big gulp of soda I mixed in a few more pepperoni sticks. I'm not sure if it was the combination of Pepsi and pepperoni sticks or if the meat had gone bad from sitting in my truck for too long but soon after my soda was gone my stomach started to make all types of unholy sounds. The gurgles and growls intensified as I traveled north away from my home toilet bowl. The sounds continued and the slur of meat snack and soda swiftly traveled into my intestines.

I could tell early on that this was going to be an unpleasant evacuation from my system. I knew I didn't have much time but I also didn't have any place close by that I could stop and relieve myself. My mind was racing and I was triangulating positions and going through my mental Rolodex of who I knew or worked in the area that I could trust enough to allow me to destroy their bathroom. I couldn't come up with anything. I was alone and on the road and the road was no place to be. I couldn't hold it in any longer and it happened. All I could do was sit up a little bit in my seat so that I didn't have to wallow in my own filth. After a few minutes I pulled into a state park and b lined it for the restroom. When I entered the restroom I felt relieved but soon realized I didn't need a restroom any more what I really needed was a shower and clean clothes. I went into the stall and accessed the damage. My underwear looked like a Japanese flag painted in brown instead of red and with a lot more texture. I scrapped things off and cleaned myself the best I could. Then I got dressed minus my brown Japanese flag underwear. I took those to the sink and started scrubbing. I had been alone in the bathroom up to this point but then someone came in. I tried to hide what I was doing because it was obviously embarrassing and gross. I shoulder shrugged and half turned as best I could as the other guy moved in and out of the bathroom. Luckily there were two sinks. When the fruit of the looms were as clean as I could get them I went back to the truck and as I drove back down the highway I held my underwear out the window so they would dry. Much like one of the little sports flags that people set out on their window to show they are a Beaver or Duck fan while driving down I-5 to a game. It looked like I was rooting for the Browns that day.

This type of thing happens at some point to every truck or route driver I would guess. Most people choose to keep these stories to themselves but I hope by sharing this story that if you see someone relieving themselves along side the road or in the bushes you choose to feel empathy for them and NOT call the police. I'm sure if that had any choice they would find a restroom and they are probably wishing they hadn't eaten all those pepperoni sticks.

Three Types of Customers

Diary of a Garbage Man – Three Types of Customers

In my job there are three types of customers. The first and most common type of customer is the one that just wants to get their trash picked up. They don't care when, where, or how I do this. They just want to put garbage in the can and have it disappear before they run our of room to put more garbage in the can. This system works out well because that is exactly what I want to do. It would be my preference that I never see or hear from my customers. Most of the time I pick up the garbage before they are awake or while they are at work. The can is in the same place every week and I dump it and leave it in the same place. Easy easy lemon squeezy. Most of my problems at work come from the other two types of customers.

The first and most typical problem customers is the one that likes to watch me. The watchers come in two forms. The kind that will walk right out and stand next to me to watch me dump their trash and the kind that will peek out of the blinds or hide in the shadows and watch me. The bold watchers usually looks at what I do and quickly come up with a better way for me to do my job. “You should lift with your legs and not your back” “Wouldn't it be quicker if you parked on the other side of the street” “Can't you come from the other direction” “Why don't you get a different kind of truck” “Can't you make your truck run quieter?” All these stupid questions are unnecessary and a waste of my time to deal with. Most of the time I just feel like saying if you could do better at this why don't you hop on board and show me how it's done. I will sip on a cup of coffee and watch the master at work. These customers tend to call and complain to the boss the most often also. They say things like your garbage man didn't put my can back in the right place, he drives to fast down my driveway, and best of all he didn't get all the trash out of my can. The answer to these complaints is.... your can is on the wrong side of your driveway just to mess with you man, I was driving ten miles per hour instead of five get a life, and there is some garbage still in your can because it was frozen solid at 5 am and wouldn't come out. Now that it is 5 pm and your home from work and it thawed out all day of course it looks like we should have dumped it. Blahhhhhh.

The third type of customer and most rare is the customer that wants me to watch them. These unicorns of the customer world keep me on my toes and insure that weird fetishes are alive and well in the world. These customers are usually ladies and unfortunately always older in age. The tame exhibitionists will do something like turn on the lights in their bedroom as soon as they see my truck pull up and make sure they are in some level of undress and the blinds are open as I approach to get the garbage. Most of the time I can just focus on getting the garbage and overt my eyes and we both get what we want. The customer gets the thrill of thinking someone is watching them and I get to pick up the trash and not be scarred for life. When I drive away the light goes off and all is back to normal in the world. Issues come up when the exhibitionists aren't so tame. The wild show ponies want to make sure they are seen and want to see my reaction. These ladies typically come running out of the house with their bathrobe only half on, in their bra and panties, or just a t-shirt waving a bag of garbage at me asking me to come and get it. I'm sure sometimes this act is completely innocent and you just want your garbage to get taken out, but when it happens every week that seems like you might have a problem. Most of the time I can deal with these interactions in a gentlemanly way and just look to the side or be quick about it. But sometimes when a motion light comes on unexpectedly and I'm faced with what looks like a fried egg nailed to a wall it leaves some mental trauma that is above my pay grade.

Overall I like and enjoy all my customers and respect their individual quarks and can respect them while giving great service.  I also strive to respect their privacy in much the same way a doctor or lawyer would hold personal information in privilege.   I hope these stories can help shed light on what it is like for your garbage man when he picks up your trash each week. 

Intro to Diary of a Garbage Man

Diary of A Garbage Man – Intro

I have been a garbage man all my life. Lots of people, ok a few people, have told me I should write about my job and life because it seems interesting. If your favorite movie of all time is Men at Work you might like my stories. If you like the tv show The Sopranos you might like my stories. If you wonder what happens in town between 2 am and when you wake up you might like my stories. If you think the stuff you see at the dump is cool you will definitely like my stories. If you wonder what happens to your trash after you put it in your can you will like my stories. If you want to know what people really eat and how much they really drink I can tell you. If you wonder if anyone every eats things out of your trash, you will want to read on.

You will not want to read my stories if you dislike rats, maggots, poopy diapers, cat litter, or used feminine hygiene products. By the way ladies we have a sewage system that can handle you flushing those things. We don’t live in Mexico. And if you don’t flush them they should be double or triple wrapped in t.p. and sealed in a zip lock bag before you throw them out. And if that seems excessive just remember that dogs, bears, and other animals have a nose that is 1000’s of times more sensitive than a humans. Think of it like this, if your sense of smell is the size of a postage stamp a dog’s sense of smell is the size of a football field. This means they can smell that old chicken bone through your garbage can and inside the hefty bag. Make sure you have that lid on tight and maybe put a bungee strap over it also.

I have a special set of skills that I have learned from years of picking up trash. I can tell if a garbage can is heavy or light just by looking at it from down the street. I can tell if people are at home or on vacation just by driving past their house. I can tell you when they have a new baby, because they will have twice as much trash as they did before. I can tell you when they are getting ready to send a kid off to college because they throw out toys and books from Dr. Seuss to the driving test manual. I can tell when they are on a new diet and when they had a party. I can also tell when they are remodeling their house. This usually means they are getting ready to sell their house. I don’t understand why most people live in their crappy house for years and then fix it up just to sell it, but people do it all the time.

Mostly I have learned to be a student of human nature through years of observing perfect strangers habits and activities. I don’t know if I have put all this knowledge to very good use but I have tried. I know the companies that made pet rocks, snuggies, and chi-a-pets made a lot of money and all of those things ended up in the trash a few weeks after Christmas. If I’m just patient any material item I have every wanted will end up in the trash and I will get it for free. So just like that gold fish, huge stuffed bear, and etched glass Bon Jovi mirror from the fair I will try and entertain you for a few minutes knowing that even if I’m the must have thing right now eventually I will end up in the round file.